I'm afraid this is another venting post, but bare with me.
So, there is this male individual, that I have known off and on for many years. He is a year or two older than I am, but I'm beginning to think that perhaps he's received a blow to the head in recent years, since I saw him last, and now possesses the mind of a 12 year old, at best.
Without reveiling too much about the identity of the individual of whom I speak of, I will do my best to describe the circumstances of which I find myself of late.
The last time I saw this person, other than recently, was nearly 8 years ago. At the time, we were perhaps more than mere aquaintences, but certinaly not bosom buddies. Our final adieu at the time involved, in part, him stating that he hoped we could begin hanging out sometime in the near future, and I agreed.
Fast forwarding to a little over 6 years later, we cross paths again. This time, he does little to procure any sort of connection with me, in fact, he acts as though I'm completely invisible whenever we get within 5 feet of each other. One day, we were walking towards each other and I knew he knew I was there, so in an atempt to make my presence known to him, I decided I would do my best to say hello, desipte his apparent apathy towards me. As I came within a few steps of him, he still hadn't looked at me, but I offered a hearty "Hello!" anyway. He looked up at me with a look that could only be read as, "why are you talking to me?" and gave me a simple nod of the head and a quiet hello, then proceded on without further interuption. I rolled my eyes as I walked away, and tried not to think anymore about it.
A few months later, I had occasion to see him, nearly alone, one more time, and once again attempted to engage him in conversation. This time I had a little more success, but his demeanor was still that of someone who did not wish to be mingling with one such as I, so I cut the seemingly intrusive conversation short on his behave, and resumed my journey past him.
Nothing has changed since the nearly year and a half since my first new sighting of him, as far as his lack of interest in me as a sorce of human interaction goes, but I can't help but feel that perhaps I've opened the flood gates to something more, and I don't like it.
This individual is often in the company of one or two other specific individuals, and the male of those two individuals and he are often, seemingly, making jokes about me... it's hard to explain, but I will try. I don't mean to sound paranoid, but in close proximity, there is no atempt at eye contact with me, whatsoever, but at a distance, there is often occasion that I catch one or both of them looking at me, then they turn to each other and have a laugh... this is not a rare occasion, in fact, it happens far too often for me to call it a coincidence.
Then one day, to my discomfort, as well as his own, he and I were subject to a group interaction in which neither of us had too much control over, without putting out other members of the group. In this situation, he amazingly shook my hand, addressed me by name, and did so while maintaining eye contact, both at the beginning and the end of this short interaction. In between both cordial handshakes, he made multiple atempts to make eye contact with me, but acted as someone being dared to touch a dead mouse would act. Imagine if you will, reaching for the carcass of a dead mouse; you reach for it, then you recoil in fear or perhaps disgust, hesitate, reach again, recoil, hesitate, repeat... His eyes would seemingly make an atempt to turn to me, but then would bounce away just as he came inches from looking me in the face, reapetedly, and he never was able to successfully look at me again until he shook my hand in farewell.
I've seen him only once since then, and he again, could only look at me from a distance, and then would make it painfully obvious he was avoiding eye contact with me, as though he did not care for my interacting with him.
Why do I care? I don't know... I shouldn't. I mean, I guess I know why... I care because it bothers me that we could be friends once, and part on good terms, and then suddenly when we find ourselves in a situation in which we have the opportunity to be freinds again, he is beyond disinterested. I think if he was just a nobody to me, with no prior history of association, I wouldn't care, but since that isn't the case, I do care. I try not to care, I tell myself not to care, but I'm slightly offended, and he doesn't help matters by appearing to have jokes at my expence. I can't allow myself to put myself out there for someone to mock, so I won't take things into my own hands anymore, but it chaps my hide, and I want it to stop.
So that's my vent, I feel like he is clearly being childish, and I am curious when the creature that has taken over his body will vacate, and allow the real perosn back in.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
A Terrible Waste
Whoa, this is my third post of the week, that's rare!
SO, many of you have probably seen the movie "In Love and War", with Sandra Bullock and Chris O'Donnell. I'm posting this off the assumption that any who may have wanted to see this movie have, since it's 14 years old, and any who haven't, don't plan too. Now, I've seen this movie before, but it's been a long time, so the other day I pulled it up on NetFlix and decided to watch it again since I really couldn't remember it, and this is what I have to say about it.
This movie sarts with a nurse (Sandra) and a young, non-battle, soldier (Chris) going to Italy to help with the red cross and morale during the first world war. Chris' character is actually Ernest Hemingway (the writer), and he is a flamboyant, spirited young kid with his whole life ahead of him. Ernest falls for this nurse, Agnes, and after some time he woos the nurse (8 years his senior) and they have a bit of a fling. Ernest goes home some time before Agnes, and in his absence, an older Italian doctor woos Agnes, and they become engaged. Agnes writes Ernest and tells him she's sorry, but she is going to marry the doctor, and wishes him well. Ernest is crushed and flips out and breaks everything in his room in a rage, and begins to lead the life of a drunk, living in his fathers cabin on a lake and writing angry peices of literature. Eventually, consumed by her feelings for Ernest, Agnes breaks off her engagement, and through the encouragment of a mutual friend, returns to the U.S. to find Ernest. Agnes finds Ernest, appologizes and asks for his forgiveness, telling him that she DOES love him and always will, for the rest of her life. Ernest refuses to forgive her and lets her leave without a word. The movie ends and they tell us that Agnes married about 10 years later, and remained so the rest of her life and dies at age 92. Ernest, married 4 times, and finally killed himself at age 62, an angry bitter man.
I decided I didn't like this movie, if only of the ending. I was SO irritated, that he allowed himself to be so consumed with pride and rage that he could not forgive someone for breaking his heart, and he allowed it to fester and ultimatly ruin his life. Sure, he published many great works and was considered the best writing of his time, but what is fame without love and happiness? I was go glad the Agnes was able to overcome what she considered to be a mistake in letting Ernest go, and allowed herself to love again, and live a long and happy live.
How could someone who was once so full of life snap at a trial of the heart, and allow himself to sink into the depths of despondency, never to emerge again. Was he already depressed, and there was just no cause for it to truly materialize until he experienced what he considered to be a great loss? Perhaps. Was it the sadness he carried from seeing people die before him in the hospital in Italy that had really mared his soul, and his last bit of hope he carried for happiness with Agnes tipped the scales when lost and the flood gates open for all the pain he carried from seeing friends die alone? Maybe. I don't know the reason he allowed himself to be so consumed with animosity, I logically have to think there had to have been something deep inside him causing it, because why else would he throw his life away over one person. I think it's tragic that such a young person (19) lost all hope and focus on life so suddenly and was never able to recover.
Part of me wanted to reach back in time and shake some sense into him, and part of me wanted to be mad that he did that to himself, but I know there are things that people suffer from that I will never understand, yet I can't help but feel sad at the loss of a life to such unhappiness, it's a terrible waste. I hope that I never allow myself to become so consumed by an experience that I allow it to ruin my life.
Anyway, those were my thoughts while watching that movie, and I felt the need to share.
SO, many of you have probably seen the movie "In Love and War", with Sandra Bullock and Chris O'Donnell. I'm posting this off the assumption that any who may have wanted to see this movie have, since it's 14 years old, and any who haven't, don't plan too. Now, I've seen this movie before, but it's been a long time, so the other day I pulled it up on NetFlix and decided to watch it again since I really couldn't remember it, and this is what I have to say about it.
This movie sarts with a nurse (Sandra) and a young, non-battle, soldier (Chris) going to Italy to help with the red cross and morale during the first world war. Chris' character is actually Ernest Hemingway (the writer), and he is a flamboyant, spirited young kid with his whole life ahead of him. Ernest falls for this nurse, Agnes, and after some time he woos the nurse (8 years his senior) and they have a bit of a fling. Ernest goes home some time before Agnes, and in his absence, an older Italian doctor woos Agnes, and they become engaged. Agnes writes Ernest and tells him she's sorry, but she is going to marry the doctor, and wishes him well. Ernest is crushed and flips out and breaks everything in his room in a rage, and begins to lead the life of a drunk, living in his fathers cabin on a lake and writing angry peices of literature. Eventually, consumed by her feelings for Ernest, Agnes breaks off her engagement, and through the encouragment of a mutual friend, returns to the U.S. to find Ernest. Agnes finds Ernest, appologizes and asks for his forgiveness, telling him that she DOES love him and always will, for the rest of her life. Ernest refuses to forgive her and lets her leave without a word. The movie ends and they tell us that Agnes married about 10 years later, and remained so the rest of her life and dies at age 92. Ernest, married 4 times, and finally killed himself at age 62, an angry bitter man.
I decided I didn't like this movie, if only of the ending. I was SO irritated, that he allowed himself to be so consumed with pride and rage that he could not forgive someone for breaking his heart, and he allowed it to fester and ultimatly ruin his life. Sure, he published many great works and was considered the best writing of his time, but what is fame without love and happiness? I was go glad the Agnes was able to overcome what she considered to be a mistake in letting Ernest go, and allowed herself to love again, and live a long and happy live.
How could someone who was once so full of life snap at a trial of the heart, and allow himself to sink into the depths of despondency, never to emerge again. Was he already depressed, and there was just no cause for it to truly materialize until he experienced what he considered to be a great loss? Perhaps. Was it the sadness he carried from seeing people die before him in the hospital in Italy that had really mared his soul, and his last bit of hope he carried for happiness with Agnes tipped the scales when lost and the flood gates open for all the pain he carried from seeing friends die alone? Maybe. I don't know the reason he allowed himself to be so consumed with animosity, I logically have to think there had to have been something deep inside him causing it, because why else would he throw his life away over one person. I think it's tragic that such a young person (19) lost all hope and focus on life so suddenly and was never able to recover.
Part of me wanted to reach back in time and shake some sense into him, and part of me wanted to be mad that he did that to himself, but I know there are things that people suffer from that I will never understand, yet I can't help but feel sad at the loss of a life to such unhappiness, it's a terrible waste. I hope that I never allow myself to become so consumed by an experience that I allow it to ruin my life.
Anyway, those were my thoughts while watching that movie, and I felt the need to share.
Friday, January 22, 2010
My Doppelgangers
A doppleganger is a German word for a double, or a look-alike of another person. Today my friend brough this up in regards to famous people, and so we were putting pictures on facebook of our famous doppelgrangers, and I thought it was fun, and waanted to pit them on here as well, and get your takes on the matter.
Robin Wright Penn, most notably known for her roles as Jenny in Forest Gump, and Buttercup in The Princess Bride. I do think she is a very pretty woman, but I see no resemblance to me.
There are 2 people I most remember being told I look like, but I don't see myself in either woman. But here are their pictures, you be the judge.
Robin Wright Penn, most notably known for her roles as Jenny in Forest Gump, and Buttercup in The Princess Bride. I do think she is a very pretty woman, but I see no resemblance to me.Ingrid Bergman, a actress from before the time of most of us... still a pretty woman, but looks nothing like me.
I don't know if I really have a look-alike. I've had people come up to me at work and other places and swear I'm the spitting image of someone they know, but I've yet to see any of these supposed carbon copies of myself, therefore, I believe they do not exist. I am uniquely, me! :)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A Post About Whatever, Just Becuse!
Well, I have to get up early tomorrow for work, and so I can't stay up to late, so at this point, a movie is out of the question, but I'm not going to bed just yet, so I decided I should make a post on my blog, and here it is.
Work: Work is the same, I don't want to be there, but I don't know where I wanna be. I search job listing, but nothing appeals to me, I just don't know where I belong in the career scheme on things. A few months back (while dealing with this dilemma) I asked my self this question... "Audrey, if you didn't have to work, and time and money were not an issue, what would you do?" The answer I gave myself... "Travel and workout." Well, I don't know that I would love many of the availible jobs involving travel (stewardess, cruise ship employee, etc) for multiple reasons, so that leaves working out. I think it would be fun to get paid to workout, to teach classes or what have you, but I don't see myself as someone suited for that job per se. I could probably get to that point, but I think I have work to do. SO, until then, I'm staying where I am I suppose...
School: DONE! As you all know, I finished school last fall (2008), but have yet to put my degree to use. I ponder the possibility of going beack to school for a Masters or another Bachelors, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go back yet, plus I want to get rid of my student loans first.
Church: I'm currently a Visiting Teaching Coordinator, but not much has happened with that calling yet, we were going through transition in our ward, and then only just this last sunday got our assignments, so not a hard calling, but I haven't done much with it yet. I have made a BUNCH of goals this year, 2 of which are, to read my scriptures everyday (so far, so good), and attend the temple (for baptisms) once a week (so far, so good). I've made these goals before, but I've never done so well for so long, so I hope to do it this time and make it a perminate habit, wish my luck.
Health: I am healthy. I had a cold for a couple of weeks, thanks to Miss Grace-Face, but I am over it now. I workout everyday (except sunday), and I'm doing really well with that and eating well. I've never been good at eating well and working out simultaniously, but I am doing it now, and I've lost 7 lbs since the first of the year, so I'm down to 153 lbs. WAHOO! I still have some work to do though. :)
Love Life: Well, what can I say, if someone wanted to write a love story about my life, they may only have enough material for a title page... The Absence of Romance.
I was thinking about this yesterday, I remember when I was young, I ALWAYS liked someone, even if only for a short time. I used to use the crush I had, on whatever guys of the time it was, to help motivate me to get up and get ready for school (when I would much rather be sleeping) by reminding myself that I would probably see that person, and I would leap from bed to get ready so I could see them. :) Now days, it all me getting me up in the morning, no hopes of seeing that special someone to light a fire under me and get me moving. It's kinda boring. I mean, there have been guys here and there that I saw potential in, but they always proved to be disappointing.
There were a couple of guys for a little while, but there were so passive about asking girls out (despite being socail butterflies) that if I didn't know better, I'd think they were gay. :-S
I know there are other girls interested in these guys too, but they are not proactive daters. Why are the more desirable guys the ones that are unreceptive, and the not so desirable guys are all over the playing field? An interesting conundrum.
I would like to be interested in someone, it would be something exciting to throw into the boring day to day sameness of my life, but alas, males are bums. :) I say that with a smile on my face, I'm not upset, just bored with dating, and would like person to stand out and be different from all the sameness I see when I look at the single guys around me, but until then, I'm really just fine working to improve myself and experience other aspects of life.
Travel: 10.5 weeks till we sail the high seas again. I'm so super excited. There are 11 of us going, and I think it's going to be a blast. I've normally been one to enjoy male friends rather than female because males are (typically) less dramatic, and more fun/funny, but I have been lucky enough to have some wonderful, fun, sensible female friends throughout my life, and these girls are some of them. I'm certain to have a blast on this trip with these great ladies. :)
Well, it's time to get ready for bed, 4:00 comes early. :)
Work: Work is the same, I don't want to be there, but I don't know where I wanna be. I search job listing, but nothing appeals to me, I just don't know where I belong in the career scheme on things. A few months back (while dealing with this dilemma) I asked my self this question... "Audrey, if you didn't have to work, and time and money were not an issue, what would you do?" The answer I gave myself... "Travel and workout." Well, I don't know that I would love many of the availible jobs involving travel (stewardess, cruise ship employee, etc) for multiple reasons, so that leaves working out. I think it would be fun to get paid to workout, to teach classes or what have you, but I don't see myself as someone suited for that job per se. I could probably get to that point, but I think I have work to do. SO, until then, I'm staying where I am I suppose...
School: DONE! As you all know, I finished school last fall (2008), but have yet to put my degree to use. I ponder the possibility of going beack to school for a Masters or another Bachelors, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go back yet, plus I want to get rid of my student loans first.
Church: I'm currently a Visiting Teaching Coordinator, but not much has happened with that calling yet, we were going through transition in our ward, and then only just this last sunday got our assignments, so not a hard calling, but I haven't done much with it yet. I have made a BUNCH of goals this year, 2 of which are, to read my scriptures everyday (so far, so good), and attend the temple (for baptisms) once a week (so far, so good). I've made these goals before, but I've never done so well for so long, so I hope to do it this time and make it a perminate habit, wish my luck.
Health: I am healthy. I had a cold for a couple of weeks, thanks to Miss Grace-Face, but I am over it now. I workout everyday (except sunday), and I'm doing really well with that and eating well. I've never been good at eating well and working out simultaniously, but I am doing it now, and I've lost 7 lbs since the first of the year, so I'm down to 153 lbs. WAHOO! I still have some work to do though. :)
Love Life: Well, what can I say, if someone wanted to write a love story about my life, they may only have enough material for a title page... The Absence of Romance.
I was thinking about this yesterday, I remember when I was young, I ALWAYS liked someone, even if only for a short time. I used to use the crush I had, on whatever guys of the time it was, to help motivate me to get up and get ready for school (when I would much rather be sleeping) by reminding myself that I would probably see that person, and I would leap from bed to get ready so I could see them. :) Now days, it all me getting me up in the morning, no hopes of seeing that special someone to light a fire under me and get me moving. It's kinda boring. I mean, there have been guys here and there that I saw potential in, but they always proved to be disappointing.
There were a couple of guys for a little while, but there were so passive about asking girls out (despite being socail butterflies) that if I didn't know better, I'd think they were gay. :-S
I know there are other girls interested in these guys too, but they are not proactive daters. Why are the more desirable guys the ones that are unreceptive, and the not so desirable guys are all over the playing field? An interesting conundrum.
I would like to be interested in someone, it would be something exciting to throw into the boring day to day sameness of my life, but alas, males are bums. :) I say that with a smile on my face, I'm not upset, just bored with dating, and would like person to stand out and be different from all the sameness I see when I look at the single guys around me, but until then, I'm really just fine working to improve myself and experience other aspects of life.
Travel: 10.5 weeks till we sail the high seas again. I'm so super excited. There are 11 of us going, and I think it's going to be a blast. I've normally been one to enjoy male friends rather than female because males are (typically) less dramatic, and more fun/funny, but I have been lucky enough to have some wonderful, fun, sensible female friends throughout my life, and these girls are some of them. I'm certain to have a blast on this trip with these great ladies. :)
Well, it's time to get ready for bed, 4:00 comes early. :)
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